And now they’re gone…

wannabeivfmama

Just like that, 2 years later, 9 donor egg (DE) embryos are gone and we still don’t have a baby. Somewhere in the realm of $75,000 gone…no baby. Hundreds of injections, ultrasounds, blood tests, painful exams…no baby. It’s hard to describe the feeling, to be honest. I do still cry at every failure, but it’s less and less every time. It’s more of a numb feeling now. Although, it was more difficult this time after the last one worked. I finally got to see those positive tests, and they gave me hope that I had lost long ago. So when they all turned up stark white again this time, it hit hard. Many didn’t know we did another cycle. After a certain point, it just sucks to talk about. Using an egg donor was supposed to solve our problem. Until I finally got away from the old shitty dr and the amazing new dr gave us the actual, painful truth…the embryos just weren’t good. They didn’t look at all like DE embryos should. The fact is, we’ll never know why. It could have been the eggs, the sperm, or the lab. I tend to think it was the lab, but I have a very dark opinion of that clinic and dr after wasting so much time and money there, so I might just be projecting that onto them. At this point, it doesn’t matter. The embryos that were created with such love are gone, and we’re left empty handed.

Along with the empty handed comment…our due date is coming up. At the time, our due date being on Thanksgiving Day seemed exceptionally appropriate and amazing. Now that our baby is in heaven and won’t be joining us here, it just ruins Thanksgiving. I’m fairly certain I won’t want to get out of bed, as I already feel the sadness growing the closer we get to it. We plan on getting Chinese food and spending the day together, just us. I have a wonderfully sweet friend who is going to have Thanksgiving dinner on that Friday for us, so we still get a Thanksgiving…just postponed until the next day. 🧡🦃

So, what comes next? Well, we’re working on that. There are many things to consider and many conversations to be had. We will be parents one way or another, just still working out those details. If we happen to cross your mind on Thanksgiving, we’d love for you to send some love our way. ❤️

Much love,

Michelle

Published by wannabeivfmama

My wonderful husband, Dan, and I met in Hawaii when I was 33 and he was 25. Go me, right?? He was stationed there and I was on vacation. Although I intended for him to be a fun vacation fling before I embarked on a journey to have a baby by myself, we fell in love over Skype and got married 10 months later! Slightly over a year after we met, I gave up my whole life in Indiana and moved to Hawaii to be with my husband. That man, though he is as frustrating as any man is at times, is the true love of my life. I will be forever grateful that I did not settle for someone else earlier in my life. We both wanted a family, and decided to start trying immediately. After several months went by with no pregnancy, knowing that the timing each month was correct, we decided to go to the infertility clinic to get tested. Well, fast forward a couple months and some quite invasive tests, we came to find out that there are issues with both of us and there is a very small chance we will ever conceive a child naturally. In this blog, I will journal/document our trials and tribulations through the crazy world that is infertility. It will get personal because this is a personal journey. However, I find writing about it very therapeutic, and I also want to share our story to maybe help other people who are going through the same thing. Infertility affects 1 in 8 people, yet you hear about it so rarely. I will never fault anyone for keeping their journey private - it is an extremely personal, emotional, gut wrenching journey that I would never wish upon anyone. But if reading about our journey can help even one couple to know they are not alone, then I'm ready to share. Also, it might help the non-reproductively challenged folks out there understand a little bit more about the process and maybe some helpful hints on what to say and specifically what NOT to say to your more reproductively challenged friends.

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